Exploring infidelity

I don't know one long-term married couple who hasn't cheated on their spouse.

I think about every long-term married couple I know (my parents’ friends, if they’re not already divorced): Each relationship experienced infidelity.

This post is twofold.

First, I think my generation and those after me are more choosey in their partners because they watched so many failed marriages. Suitcases packed, custody battles, fighting. Alcohol abuse, nasty name calling, lying. I saw what happened under my roof and I vowed to do the opposite. I evaluated and dissected each of my boyfriends and our breakups to find out why it didn’t work, what I was missing, what my nonnegotiables are in the next one.

Second, I’ve always said cheating is the worst thing that can happen in a relationship. Betrayed trust, unwanted. Sally Rooney, to have so many thoughts after one novel, one series; thank you. Conversations with Friends challenges this norm; the couple discloses their affairs yet stays together. In a long-term relationship, is this possible: To want your life partner — someone who extends beyond the physical and emotional into a deeper sense of understanding and acceptance — to be happy, no matter in what sense they achieve it?

I’m three years into a healthy, loving, fun, serious relationship, and at this point, infidelity would end it. But in 20, 30, 40 years, after we’ve had our kids, grew our careers? I don’t think it’d be the infidelity, it’d be the lying.

This stems back to my earlier post, delving into fulfillment, yet extends into protection. It’s something I think is natural, to be drawn to someone else, to feel chemistry. I guess I’m exploring what I’ve seen to be the inevitable reframed into transparency.

If all parties are on board, would it hurt less?