Look Back at It: A Decent Reflection on an Immeasurable Experience

This piece was originally published on June 29, 2016, on my former blog, Hannah’s Head and Heart. It’s about my 6-month study abroad adventure in Australia, a time and place where I grew into the person I am today. Enjoy.

There isn’t a way to sum up the entirety of the past three months since my last post in one take; the amount in which I have grown due to the excursions I went on or the conversations I had with some of the most intellectual people I know reaches an uncanny height. But I’m going to give it a try, a try to see if I can muster up enough words to describe the beauteous journey I accomplished, a try to come to terms with that it’s over.

I find myself sitting next to a fire I built in a cottage in a country town called Castlemaine. The decor is strung together with paintings of wild birds next to dark wood furniture topped up with a wool woven blanket. The crackles from the dry wood send embers flying and add a rustic melody to The Best of Sting playing on the CD player. I cooked myself a mushroom, tomato, and spinach omelet with the fresh ingredients from the breakfast basket the host left at the front door. “A writer’s retreat,” as my friend called it. 

By now, my best friends are settled into their next adventure. California, Minnesota, Connecticut and China play as home until they can find their way back here to Melbourne or enter the next unknown, chasing their dreams in which they’re so unbelievably talented I sometimes felt inadequate in their presence. I took their absence as an opportunity to recoup alone, focus on my passions, and organize my sometimes chaotic mind. I learned that it’s only until you find the relationships that provide truth and honesty do you realize you’ve been missing them your whole life.

My heartache has subsided and I am onto the next love: myself. Fighting to get to the point of complete acceptance was the hardest battle I’ve endured, but the victory gave me the best reward. The independence I carry, reaffirmed numerous times by those around me, is almost mesmerizing. An overwhelming proudness enters my veins as I think about all I’ve accomplished. It’s not cockiness, just confidence – a confidence that’s provided countless opportunities to explore doors I never knew existed.

I’ll give a basic update of my most favorite endeavor: CrossFit – my stress relieving, frustrating yet rewarding hour and half of every day, allowing my friends and self to think that I kind of might be a little bit of a bad ass. My first time completing a workout was last June at 643 in NJ, where the 15 pound training bar was almost too heavy to carry. I stuck with it for the summer, growing close with my coach and those in my gym, feeling inspired to want to work harder to lift more. The search for a gym in Melbourne was easy when I realized CFSK was less than half a mile from my house, making my mornings early to create a productive day. As I’ve grown in my confidence, I’ve grown in my strength, reaching five personal bests. With all of the skepticism towards the sport, CrossFit has done nothing but provide a community of encouragement and a way to prove myself daily. I’ve learned just how important competing is to me – not just in workouts, but in every day tasks – and that striving to be my best creator, thinker and doer is only made easier when it’s measurable.

I took the pleasure of rereading all of my journal entries I accumulated on my study abroad journey. While heartbreaking to revisit weeks worth of self-loathing and depressing thoughts, I wrote about glimpses of hope that maybe I’d reach my goal of finding happiness in its most genuine form. As the months went on, my morning thoughts transformed from missing my downhill relationship to excitement towards a project I was working on. My motto soon became “waste no day,” and I became more involved with surrounding myself with things I love. My mind shifted. My entire being became a radiating light of love and laughter than a just-go-through-the-motions existence. I learned that if I want something, I need to take initiative and get it myself.

That notion has carried over into my dating realm where, while it’s empowering to get the guy with the looks, depth and simple decency is what will take any relationship from surface level to getting treated like a human being. Regardless, I’m having fun and the fact that I can compartmentalize feelings and vulnerability is nothing short of something I am proud of. I think they call that strength.

Not coming as a surprise, the importance family plays in my life only heightened as I look back at how fast five months have gone by with only seeing my grandparents for a week. Through missing the rest of my family terribly and working with the 15 hour time difference, having their support throughout my entire time away makes my thankfulness and love towards them more apparent. As my friends have heard, two of the top categories on my mind are family and food; two things I deem the best damn tangible things on the planet, and two things I can’t live without.

My family grew. The friendships I formed broke down my creatively trapped mind, expanded my desires for authentic interactions, and provided space for me to be my weird, down to earth, competitive, quiet, listening, observing, adventurous self in the most beautiful way possible. We’ve been through the seasons together – thunderstorms of tears from fear to cloudless, sunny skies of ultimate bliss.

It amazes me how much I was forced to grow in ways unimaginable when I only had myself to rely on. That dependency brings me to my next chapter in life, which is still in the makings. My heart belongs in Melbourne, surrounded by opportunity, growth and potential. And the happiness I was talking about? I did it. I found it. I am happy in its most genuine form.